For years, my anxiety was aggravated by the constant throb through my mind:

“I should do this!”

“I must do that!”

“I ought to be doing something else!”

Shoulds, musts, and oughts yanked my chain day in and day out, pulling me in a dozen different directions with a hundred conflicting priorities.

I wasn’t living: I was existing. A puppet on strings, exhibiting no freedom of choice and action – just anxious fear that I couldn’t fulfill the dissonant chorus of shoulds, musts, and oughts.

Now I know: I have the gift of choice. I can examine everything that comes at me in life to determine what I “should,” in fact, do. To decide what is imperative – a “must” – and what is not. To weigh carefully whether I “ought” to engage in a certain activity.

Do you hear the words? “Examine.” “Determine.” “Decide.” “Weigh.”

Those were the words of freedom and will and choice that were missing before. Instead, my anxiety said, “You should do everything! You must do it at once! You ought to do it better!”

Now I respond, “No – I shouldn’t do everything. I will not do it all at once. I will do my best and not require perfection.”

And within, I hear the sweet stillness I had forgotten called “Peace.”

A huge amount of anxiety stems from feeling trapped. For instance …

• Someone asks me to do something and I don’t feel that I can say “No.”

• A curveball is thrown into my day and I feel that I have to deal with it immediately.

• A situation causes me anxiety and I feel helpless to stop the rising tension.

But I have learned to say something crucial to myself when such anxiety rises: “Consider your options.”

Rarely is life so set in stone that you have no options. Looking at the above examples:

• If someone asks me to do something, I can say “Yes,” I can say “No,” I can say “Later,” I can say “I’ll think about it.” I am not trapped. I have options.

• If a curveball is thrown into my day, it may or may not be urgent (regardless of what anyone else may say about it!). It may be urgent, but may not become my first priority. I can re-prioritize and choose how to use my time. I am not trapped. I have options.

• If a situation causes me anxiety, I can stop and consider what I am thinking and feeling about it and determine if those thoughts are logical or illogical, and if those feelings are appropriate or inappropriate. I can then choose to take positive action, which may include, as a first step, taking a time out and relaxing so that I don’t panic. I am not trapped. I have options.

It is a solid, reassuring melody in the back of my mind:

“Relax. Slow down. Consider your options.”

I want to be in control at all times. Of myself, of my circumstances, of my time, of my future, even of other people.

That’s a lot to have on my mental plate, so my desire to be in control makes me anxious.

The reality, of course, is that I am not and cannot be in control of many things. Life happens, and nobody tends to consult me about it.

And that makes me even more anxious.

I envision control as a clenched fist. Clenching your fist requires energy. After a while, it’s exhausting. If you keep trying to clench your fist, your whole body gets tense. As your grip starts to slip and you try even harder, things get worse.

Likewise, seeking to be in control requires energy. After a while, it’s exhausting. If you keep trying to maintain control, your whole mind gets anxious. As your grip starts to slip and you try even harder, things get worse.

There’s only one way of controlling the anxiety caused by control:

Let go.

I was thinking about time today. About the many things that take a lot of time – like Bryce Canyon, pictured here. Time is required for “external” matters, such as our professional careers. But it is also required for “internal” matters, such as the development of wisdom.

It’s easy to focus on the externals because we can see them. The results are right there in front of us, staring us in the face. But we need to make sure we don’t neglect the internal goals we have for ourselves. They may not be as readily visible, but they are just as (if not more) important than the external. In fact, the internal qualities and characteristics we develop will significantly impact what we can accomplish in the external arena.

Reflect for a moment: what great and beautiful internal goals do you have? Wisdom? Resiliency? Calmness? Are you giving those goals the time they require?

A large part of my anxiety was the result of “What if”-ing myself to death. “What if this happens?” “What if that happens?” “What if she doesn’t like the work that I did?” “What if I don’t measure up?”

I cannot describe the incredible feeling of relief when I learned to replace “What if…?” with “So what?”

Now, this is not a sarcastic, belligerent, “So what?” No. It’s said with a shrug of the shoulders, a small smile, and a willingness to move on. For instance …

* * * * *

Question: “What if I relapse into bad habits and trigger an anxiety attack?”

Answer: “So what? Then I’ll get up again, put it behind me, and move on.”

* * * * *

Question: “What if I set a boundary in a relationship to protect myself, and the other person throws a hissy fit?”

Answer: “So what? If it happens, I’ll deal with it, but the boundary is there to protect myself, and I’m sticking with it.”

* * * * *

Question: “What if I’m not perfect?”

Answer: “So what? Who is? I never will be perfect, and that’s okay.”

* * * * *

“So what?” is simply a way of restoring balance to life. “What if …?” makes me live in the world of extremes, worries, fears, and pressures. “So what?” let’s me live in the now, in an imperfect world, with what and who I am.

“We should all strive for perfection.” True or false?

True.

“We should not be satisfied with anything less than perfection.” True or false?

False.

Oh, how easy it is to confuse those two statements! And the anxiety that results when we do!

Because, the fact is, we should all strive for perfection. We should have high standards, have dreams and goals, and not settle for anything less than our best.

However, we also need to recognize that perfection is not necessarily an attainable goal – it’s a target, but many times (perhaps even most times) we cannot actually reach it.

But not reaching perfection does not imply failure! Not reaching perfection does not mean you live an unsatisfied, unfulfilled, unhappy life! Oh, you can live that way … but there’s no need to. It may take a while to overcome old habits and replace faulty beliefs, but you can learn to be happy with what is, with your best, and with other people’s best.

The bottom line?

Perfection is a rare blessing.

Perfectionism is a constant curse.

I remember when I was first introduced to the idea of engaging in positive self-talk and affirmations. Things like,

“I can handle today and whatever comes my way.”

“My feelings do not dictate reality.”

“I am allowed to enjoy life and relax.”

I thought to myself, “It seems silly to repeat these things in my head! Why should I go and purposefully say them?”

What I slowly realized was that we are always thinking – “carrying on a conversation” – inside our heads. And the principle of “garbage in, garbage out” holds true. If I allow myself to dwell on my stress and anxiety, I will act on those thoughts. If I repeat positive affirmations and re-state the truth constantly, I will act on those thoughts instead.

Positive self-talk isn’t an internal pep rally – it’s a way of forming new mental and emotional habits based on objective truth, rather than based on subjective (and often negative) emotions.

A lot of stress comes from not dealing with problems when they’re small. We say, “It’s not a big issue. I’ll take care of it later.”

Sure enough, later comes … but we still haven’t dealt with the problem. And by then, it’s a whole lot bigger.

So whatever the problem is – time management, clearing up a misunderstanding, working on a relationship, addressing a health concern – begin the process of dealing with it today. It’s not going to go away on its own. It’s just going to grow bigger and uglier the longer you put it off.

I hide clocks.

There is one in the living room, but it’s small and unobtrusive. You don’t have to know what time it is unless you really want to know what time it is.

The kitchen, I admit, does have a clock out in the open, but I need that for cooking.

The one in my study died two years ago and I never bothered getting a new battery for it (it takes one of those little watch batteries). The time notation on the corner of my computer screen is enough.

And the one in my bedroom finally gave up the ghost last month. I figured I couldn’t live without that one. But surprisingly, after procrastinating several weeks to get a new clock, I realized I was sleeping better without having a glowing reminder of what time it was. My mornings were less harried, too. My cat makes a very reliable alarm clock, it turns out, and he’s a whole lot nicer to wake up to!

My family laughs at me and asks, “How do you know what time it is?”

I reply, “If I need to know, I know where to look. But most of the time, I don’t need to know, and I don’t want to know.”

I have found that by becoming less time conscious, I have lowered my stress level. There is a rhythm to life, one that is comfortable yet productive – I don’t have to be driven by the clock as if it were a whip.

Perhaps you have a friendlier relationship with clocks than I did. But if you find yourself constantly looking at the time and feeling rushed, harried, and stressed, hide a few of those clocks. It will feel awkward at first, but you may find – as I did – that you have more time when you pay less attention to it.

 

Certain attitudes add to or subtract from your stress. Here is a key one: resignation vs. acceptance.

Resignation is passive, leading to trapped feelings. “This is the way it is; I cannot change it. I am trapped, life is hopeless.”

Acceptance is active, leading to positive actions. “This is the way it is, but I can change myself and/or my circumstances. I am not trapped, I can move forward with hope.”

Resignation brings stress. Acceptance brings hope.